Why Mass Effect is Pissing me Off

WARNING! WARNING!

SPOILERS INCOMING!

Just don't say I didn't warn you.

My first experience with a Bioware game was Neverwinter Nights. Back then they were recognized as one of the premier rpg makers for the PC, and I've been a fan of the studio ever since. It's still on my to do list to go back and play Baldur's Gate and Icewind Dale, and Knights of the Old Republic, and it's sequel, are 2 of my favorite games of all time. 

Bioware, making George Lucas look like a hack

That being said, Mass Effect is pissing me off. I'm currently in the middle of my first playthrough of ME2 and have played through ME1 twice, so I'll label each complaint with the specific game they're associated with. "But," you might be asking me, "how are the games pissing you off when you're obviously so enthusiastic about them? You just said you played through the 1st game twice, and have moved to the second." Well the truth is I'm really enjoying the games, but there are quirky game mechanics and other nuisances that have marred an otherwise exhilarating game experience for me, thus the hate. 

Imagine how annoying and irrelevant Rob Schneider is in every Adam Sandler movie and you'll get the idea.

Get out of the movie business. YOU CAN DO EET!

(ME1) Why Won't My Squad Help? 

Call it lazy or what have you, but during my playthroughs of ME I've been allowing the game to auto-level my character. Essentially letting the program to decide his(her? eventually) strengths and weaknesses, but more importantly here, his skillset. Why is that important? Because during both of my playthroughs I picked the soldier class for Shepard, and the program never upgrades his skills in decryption, meaning that I missed out on quite a bit things (an unknown variable, since I was unable to access, I have no idea of what was in certain chests/items/etc.). 

Ok, so I understand that Shepard himself (herself... ah fuck it) would be unable to use his skillset to crack open the item, why couldn't one of his teammates, one who obviously has the skills required to do so? In Neverwinter Nights you could hire a henchman to adventure with you. They had little backstory and had absolutely nothing to do with the plot, they were just there to fill in the gaps (mostly) for your character. My personal favorite was Tomi Undergallows (gotta love that name!), a halfling thief with a penchant for dying. 

Here comes halfling death! Arghhhhhhh!!!!!!!......

But Tomi was more useful beyond the battles, if I encountered a chest or other locked device Tomi would exuberantly throw himself at it until he unlocked it (providing that he even could). In KOTOR 1 and 2 this tradition continued and you could directly control a squad member to accomplish a specific task. It was even a gameplay element necessary for progression. But ME doesn't give you direct control over anyone but Shepard, but surely someone as resourceful as Tali could have the skills to crack a code. Or Kaidan. OR FUCKING SOMEBODY! So basically ME is telling me I can't have whatever it is in the box, and FUCK YOU, THAT'S WHY.

EDIT: I've been informed by a friend that the other characters are supposed to help out with this, but auto-leveling in most games like this is basically asking to get screwed. So, my own fault here, kinda. 

 (ME1) YOUR SHIP GETS LOCKED UP!

This thing would kick sand in the Enterprise's face

 

Near the end of the storyline in Mass Effect you return to the Citadel, presumably to head the fleet that the Council and Alliance are forming to take on the Reaper menace and Saren head on. Instead you run into political BS and are grounded, by the Alliance Representative. Now, I realize this is meant to be a dramatically tense moment in the game when it seems that everything you've worked for is just about to go out the window, and a pivotal moment for Captain Anderson. 

BUT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??

There's so much wrong here, I hardly know where to begin. Let's start with the fact that Shepard is a Spectre, a special Council Agent answerable only to the Council itself. Some dockhand isn't going to say "no" to someone like that. And back Shepard up with his crew and you've got dock workers clamoring just to get out of the fucking way.

Udinna is an Alliance Representative, he's not military, and for damn sure not Shepard's boss. He's a goddamn politician who, for reasons I can't fathom, has been given direct control of the most sophisticated Alliance ship in existence. However, Shepard no longers answers to him, if he ever did in the first place. He's a freaking Spectre, who, as we've mentioned, CAN DO PRETTY MUCH WHATEVER THE FUCK THEY WANT in Council space. 

Udinna locks the Normandy down from his office. Riiiight. Again, a politician, not a technician, and why in the world would the council give control of their docks to an Alliance agent? Nothing about the docks there indicated to me that they were under Alliance control, but still somehow Udinna is somehow made capable of locking the ship down from the comfort of his own office. 

Though I promoted Anderson to the council over Udinna he still show's up in the second game, just as smug as ever. I'm hoping he dies, horribly. 

(ME2) My squadmates are idiots who get in my way as often as not. 

Really hard to blame this one on Bioware, as AI processes just haven't evolved to the point where games can mimic the ability of an actual person to think and react appropriately. It's all just scripting basically. If this then that. But still watching my guys run around like chickens with their heads up their asses during a firefight isn't my idea a great time, though to be honest it doesn't happen all that often. 

(ME2) Shepard's "death" and resurrection seem really, really contrived. 

 At best I'm left to conclude that Bioware wanted the player to have a new set of characters to fight alongside Shepard, keeping the game fresh, and killing him off and dispersing his old crew to the winds was a pretty convenient way to slide that feature in. Toss in he's now working for a known criminal organization and now you're just irking me to no end. 

Guess which way I've been playing Shepard? 

Not that I don't think the twist is pretty clever, but I just don't see a "paragon" Shepard working with Cerberus, for any reason. 

(ME2) FUEL

• Shepard was brought back to life by an exhaustive, and expensive, 2 year program funded by Cerberus. 
• That same organization then rebuilt his old ship, the Normandy, with upgrades. 
• But for some damn reason Shepard has to finance his own godddamned fuel. 

It's a minor thing, really, but forcing me to use my own credit funds to purchase fuel, IN A GAME, when the expedition is supposedly being funded by this ultra-wealthy organization, just doesn't sit well. I play games to escape reality, not be reminded of what it's like to have to head to the gas station on my way to work. 

(ME2) The Character Miranda

Everything about this woman is really, really, REALLY, creepy. And her explanation that she's genetically "enhanced", particularly in her appearance, is just the icing on the cake. 

The first game didn't go light on the geekdom fantasy girl stuff, but at least one of the love interest characters didn't look like a typical Hollywood actress. Ashley Williams was attractive, but her looks from the neck down were firmly grounded in reality. She had an athletic build, but that was about it. The Asari provided all the teen fantasy material the game needed. 

A hot alien woman, just what every sci-fi fantasy needs :)

But not ME2, they've got their sexpot front and center, and shaking her assets every chance she gets. Her outfit looks painted on, and in one recent and supposedly serious conversation during my playthrough she had with Shepard regarding the welfare of her twin sister she leans over her desk and the game camera cuts to Shepard, with her ASS taking up half the screen. 

Check out that real estate eh?

They're just not even trying to hide the fact that they're catering to a younger audience now! 

Personally, I blame ME's, and Bioware's, transition into the consoles, where the audience isn't nearly as mature. Actually I'll just go ahead and blame EA for that. 

And I'm not even going to go into the implications with her "father" and her basically being a test-tube clone of him. Save that shit for Law and Order: SVU. 

/rant